Fandom: Harry Potter / Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Characters: Severus Snape, the Evil League of Evil
Disclaimer: Not mine. Non-profit organization.
Summary: Severus Snape applies for a position in the Evil League of Evil.
Author Note: From the greatest prompt ever. Loved writing this. Written and completed October, 2008.
Bad Horse, et al.
The Evil League of Evil
Dear Horse, Sirs, and Madams:
I, Severus Snape – former professor of Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts (the “defense” part was a ruse, but the “dark” was very dark) at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, and proud servant of the recently deceased Dark Lord, Voldemort – hereby submit my application to be admitted to the Evil League of Evil.
I have been long been an evildoer, faithfully serving the Dark Lord during his first rising, then going undercover at Hogwarts in order to spy on his enemy, Albus Dumbledore. While at Hogwarts, I excelled in demeaning students of good and noble character (especially that damn Potter kid) and encouraging those most likely to turn to the dark side. I am skilled in all forms of potion-making – including poisons – and am a dab hand at the Unforgivable Curses, if I do say so myself.
My highest achievement as a doer of evil was the murder of Albus Dumbledore, wizarding legend and pompous windbag. His stunning demise at my wand was witnessed by several fellow Death Eaters and the aforementioned Potter brat. After his death, I gave up my cover as a professor and joined my Lord, taking my rightful place at his side. (Where I would still be, were it not for that damned Potter brat.)
A dark wizard would be a great asset to the Evil League of Evil. I can enslave, torture, or kill with a word and a flick of my wand, as well as turn do-gooders into frogs. I can also transfigure everyday household items into weapons and summon pastries for board meetings. A wizard also lends a sense of atmosphere to a gathering. I’ve spent years cultivating my evil look, which includes ominous black robes, a creepy skull tattoo, and a chilling sneer. I even made my nose grow in order to have a more intimidating countenance.
I am skilled and ready to serve. I await your decision.
Former Death Eater
A Dingy Hideout Somewhere
Dear Mr. Snape:
Thank you for your application to the Evil League of Evil. While your experience and achievements are certainly commendable and impressive, and initially garnered much interest and excitement among the ELE, we must decline offering you a position as a villain in our lauded organization.
It has come to our attention that you were not entirely truthful in your application. We recently read an historical account of the Dark Lord’s final stand – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling – in which it becomes clear that, other than some miscreant behavior as a teen, you were, in fact, merely pretending to be evil.
Worse yet, you turned against your superior evil instincts because of love. Gag us with a spoon.
We are appalled at the depth of your deceit (which earned points in your favor, yes, but not enough). While it is true that you were responsible for the death of Albus Dumbledore, you did it for noble reasons, which sullies any beauty there have been in the tragedy and devastation of his death. Way to ruin a perfectly good murder.
We know what happened to the Dark Lord, Snape. No way in hell are we letting you in this boardroom, pastries or no.
Also, we have it on good authority that you’re an arrogant, sullen git.
Contact us again, and we’ll snuff you.
The Evil League of Evil
P.S. Your hair is gross. The ELE is a very well-groomed association (with the exception of Dead Bowie, but he can’t help it).